Chelsea: All Is Not Lost

After Blackburn then Europe, the boss had to go

So Grant was hauled in by Kenyon & Co,

As open-mouthed, we all sat and stared

Who was this man and who even cared?

Utd were next and, well off the pace

We were given some bloke with a gormless face –

Who stood looking clueless, not ‘special’ at all,

The question hung heavy, ‘how far will we fall?’

Two-nil to Utd, courtesy of the ref –

The officials, as usual, struck both blind and deaf.

Then a bore draw with Fulham, not a sight for sore eyes

‘Don’t know what you’re doing’, the new Stamford Bridge cries.

The Mestalla win though, sees the odd eyebrow raise

Then a six-nil to Citeh, back to our winning ways?

Nope, a battle with Leicester – thanks to Sheva we won

Then a draw against Schalke saw the end of our run.

Back down to earth and away to ‘the Arse’ –

Them who play pretty games and can place the odd pass.

 They scraped a one-nil, with an error from Cech

‘was our reject who scored as my chin hit the deck.

Rafa’s lot next and a win in the cup

As Crouch’s drop kick goes a little tits-up.

Villa four-all with their last minute pen

And a point against Pompey – we concede late again.

Nil-nil with the Dippers, and all is not well

Then the Carling Cup final it’s to Spurs that we fell.

Back with a bang, we hit West Ham for four

Before Barnsley show us the FA Cup door.

Back against Derby as we beat them six-one

But from three point lane, we take just the one.

Back home again, now the Arsenal come calling

But with Drogba on form they’re the ones who are falling.

Boro come next – but they leave three points lighter

And the gap at the top gets a little bit tighter –

Then Heskey for Wigan, scores right at the end

Our defence is driving me right round the bend.

No rest, next it’s Europe, the Dippers away

But Riise pops up to rescue the day

As they trot out of Anfield with nothing to boast

That goal stands alone as the one I loved most.

But wait – next’s Utd, the Champions elite

Shame Carrick used his hands not his feet

Gifting Ballack the pen to take if he dare

As he slots the ball home, our win makes it all square.

Then the Dippers return and Rafa just rages

His rants about Drogba on all the back pages

But the goatee was wrong, as Drogs stayed on his feet

And the world sat and watched as the Dippers got beat.

Last day it is then, points all square, both one-nil

Then Utd’s attack sees our own go downhill

Giggsy’s just scored and when news filters through

The lads realise there’s ‘nowt left they can do.

The heads all drop down leaving Bolton to score

As we finish things off with another score draw.

So Utd have made it two in a row

As for us? We can wait til we get to Moscow!



As the run-in approaches, let’s see where we are
Coz, for a club ‘going forward’ we ain’t moved very far.
Where once there was arrogance, self assured belief
Every win we get now brings only relief.
No strutting on touchlines now that Grant’s in the job,
If he did the ‘chin up’ he’d at least shut his gob.
Instead he looks clueless, stands scratching his head
Dribbling and drooling, like he’s just been spoon-fed.
No conviction, no passion, not a hint of a clue
As top manager’s go, Grant just will not do.
The team, once cohesive, almost joint at the hip
Have lost their momentum and seen their form dip
As if every game, the fight from them is draining –
And instead that fight’s saved for each other in training.
Still, at least we can see what Ten Cate’s here for
Even if it’s just putting JT on the floor.
But Grant’s appointment, I still can’t work out –
I can’t see him reffing the odd sparring bout.
So what is he doing to gee the lads up –
As we’re soundly beat in each domestic cup?
Constant change of formation/personnel
In his vain attempts to make it all gel
Clueless tactics, no heart and no soul
Like playing Pizarro when we need a goal.
Or Malouda when he’s just huffing and puffing
If its going tits up, Grant just stands and does nothing.
No half time team talks, no rallying cry
This whole ‘management’ thing just passes him by.
So where are we heading? And just what’s in store?
Before the Clueless One is shoved out the door?
Champions League maybe? Is that where we aspire?
Or maybe the title, we’ll take to the wire?
I guess that on paper, the draw might look kind
But then so did Barnsley, its worth bearing in mind.
Then if we get through, it’s the dippers or Arse
In terms of prediction, I think I’ll just pass.
So that leaves the league, how much chance have we got?
My guess is none unless Fergie loses the plot.
So this ‘taking us forward’, the Russian’s great scheme
Does it actually involve the team?
Or are we just a marketing tool
So the Russian can use us to conquer and rule?
Spouting ‘world domination’, well yeah, but of what?
Coz let’s face it, the football’s hardly crash hot,
So enough is enough, this farce needs to end
Get rid of the Grinch coz there’s Bridge’s to mend.

That’s Entertainment

Gallas stropNo ticker tape, no party hats, no helium balloons,
No title celebrations yet again for Wenger’s goons.
They’d had a run, surprised a few and even topped the table
But hold onto a 5 point gap, we saw they just weren’t able.
For all the praise the press heaped on, the goals they just stopped scoring
As ‘football’s saviours’ silky skills could only see them drawing.
First hailing them after Milan, then Birmingham they’re effing
“Conspiracy” the fans cry out, “it’s all down to bad reffing”
Eduardo to be fair to him, ‘that’ tackle left him slaughtered
But Taylor, did he need to be, hung, drawn and then quartered?
You’d think so, they called for his head, in fact he should retire
Football just had never seen an injury so dire.
He’d tried to cut his leg in half, or so they’d have us thinking
A ready made excuse before from 1st place they start sinking.
And Gallas in his captain’s role, well he just spat the dummy
Sulking like a two year old who’s told off by his mummy.
He didn’t want to play, he had the hump, that’s all that mattered,
Sod defending penalties and team mates limbs just shattered.
Still no surprise, this from the man who sulked at Nani’s tricking
And when he couldn’t catch him up, resorted to just kicking.
But Wenger surely missed all that with eyesight often failing?
Yet if his little boys get hurt, he wants some bugger jailing.
He puts his faith in his ‘young guns’ to show cash ain’t essential
Look, Theo was born at the club – and now he’s shown potential.
Maybe it’s his preference, for little boys and cuddles
Comparing depth with rivals though’s like oceans next to puddles.
They’ll tell you that it’s not their fault, it’s not their lack of cover
They blame the refs and the FA, they even blame each other.
At least they entertain their fans, it really must be pleasing
To hear them say “we wanna win”, then find out they’re just teasing.
Still second place won’t be so bad, at least the football’s pretty
No trophies to collect again, just the usual self pity.

No Early Exit

Champions League, the Mestalla again
A win last time – but that was then,
Now Mourinho’s gone, Avram’s in charge
And the Chelsea boo boys are giving it large.
His whole appointment as clear as mud
Angry and bitter, they’re out for his blood,
They want it fixed and they want it now –
Welcome to Chelsea Grant, take a bow.
Show us some passion, show us some grit
Show us you’re not an incompetent tit,
Get out there fighting, give it some wellie
Show us there’s fire inside that belly.
The past has gone and there’s no looking back
The options are clear here, success or the sack.
It’s not that we’re awkward, impossible to please,
It’s more we don’t want our club brought to its knees.
So show us some spirit, show us some guts
Show us Abramovich isn’t nuts.
Get the boys sorted, fire them up –
And for god’s sake, keep us in this cup!!

What We Need

As sad as it is, the ‘Special One’s’ gone
The mourning is over, it’s time to move on.
As hard as it is, as much as it hurts –
Get them heads up and play for your shirts.
Roman and Kenyon let everyone down
Giving us Grant – an unqualified clown,
But he’s just temporary – along for the ride
So sort yourselves out and play with some pride.
The world is watching and ready to mock –
From “all conquering heroes” to “laughing stock”.
So its time for the captain to gee the lads up
If we want a bit more than the Carling Cup.
We need Drogba fit doing what he does best;
We need Sheva to prove that he’s up to the test;
Joey, Wright-Phillips, giving hell on the wing;
A capacity crowd with a reason to sing;
We need Lampard back, feeding balls through;
Or banging in goals – we could do with a few;
We need Terry and Ricky to shore up defence;
And Essien on form, as ever – immense;
We need Obi Mikel to wear softer boots;
We need Stamford Bridge to get rid of the suits.
In short, we need passion, commitment as well,
And we need the officials to all go to hell.
So chin up lads, just do what you do best –
Because we are the Chelsea so f*** all the rest!!

European Blues

Second leg and we’re in Spain –
Cup Winners semi once again.
Like Copenhagen its 1 – all
Will we stand firm or will we fall?
A Mallorcan side so full of tricks
and the Leicester game knocking us for six,
Now the confidence on which we feed
Deserts us in our hour of need.
Then, they break fast – we dont defend,
European hopes come to an end.
And with domestic hopes now over too
Chelsea really are completely blue.
So, til next year – its c’est la vie
And by then at least, we’ll have Rix free!!!

Just a Hiccup?

I’m well and truly gutted
it’s the curse of Man United,
I thought this time we’d beat ’em
and I’d even got excited.
We outclassed and outplayed them
but it’s just the same old story,
Whenever they come to The Bridge
it’s always ‘Glory, Glory’.
As if that wasn’t bad enough –
with confidence now battered,
we gifted West Ham victory
when 3 points really mattered.
Back on track at Villa though
Vialli’s men were gunning,
so watch out Arsenal and Man U –
coz we’re still in the running!!!!